VRYKERION

  • If the Boot Fits: A Fish Story

    "I caught something! Oh… it's only a boot." "Liar!"

    Where? Stormwind Canals

    Have I got a whale of a tale for ya.  It ain’t no fish story either.  More of a boot story really.  You see, down in the canals of Stormwind city there are a pair of young men – Billy and Adam.  Two young boys who seem the same as any of the other children running about Stormwind.  They’re young, cheerful and enjoy their fishing.  However, if you follow these two around you’ll quickly notice somethings amiss.  Either Billy is a pathological liar or Adam is the most skeptical grade schooler I’ve ever seen.

    Billy likes to tell fishing stories.  Most are akin to the stories you hear all the time about fishing.  You know, “I caught one THIS big” or “It was the catch of the lifetime and it got away from me.”  Or something like that.  I don’t fish much.  I suck at it in real life.  Don’t judge me.  Anyway, Billy’s stories tend to have a grain of truth in them.  A golden fish that grants 3 wishes, a fish big enough to eat a man whole, or fish that walk on land and hunt – all have a bit of something that’s actually in the game somewhere.  I haven’t the slightest clue how he actually knows these things, the only time he’s apparently been away from Stormwind was when he was at camp (and caught a fish bigger than he was!) and if camp is teaching kids about giant monster fish, it’s come a long way since singing the ‘Cat Came Back’ and eating Lunchables.  The only hint we ever get to where he might have learned all this is that he will sometimes mention his father, who is never named or seen, and since Billy has no last name in the game, fat chance trying to track him down in the city registry.

    Heck the only person in the world that would have some of this weird esoteric knowledge of fishing (and didn’t have internet access and knowledge of WoWwiki or WoWhead) would be Nat Pagle.  That creepy fisherman who lives in some manner of self-appointed exile on an island in Dustwallow Marsh.  Could he be Billy’s father?  Sure.  Why not.  Then again any adult human male could be Billy’s father.  Heck there’s another hermit fishing dude off in the corner of Westfall.  The only reason Nat could even be considered for speculation for Billy’s dad is that Nat is probably the only well known fisherman who could possibly know about things like Tethyr or a mystical “golden fish” that could grant wishes (To be fair, Mr. Pinchy does drop in the same waters that Golden Darters swim in.) I mean we are talking about the man who knew the whereabouts of the Ashbringer (The Ashbringer…  the Ashbriner…  there I did for you) way before Naxxramas arrived in Vanilla. Even the Shendralar learned about it because of Nat Pagle’s book.  So maybe he is Billy’s real father.

    That is unless Adam knows something that we don’t.  See, Billy’s friend Adam is eternally chained to Billy’s side.  He’s heard every one of these stories a few hundred times already and he’s clearly not impressed.  In fact, he doesn’t even believe Billy.  Even worse, Billy’s non stop mouth seems to be constantly scaring the fish in the canals off so Adam can’t catch anything.  To be fair, if I were Adam, they would have found Billy’s body in the canals ages ago with a fishing pole through him (We at OddCraft do not condone child murder.  We do however find poetic justice hilarious.)  I might wager that since these two are constantly hanging out that they probably know each other, and I’m assuming they know each other’s parents.  The fact that Adam isn’t willing to believe that Billy could catch a boot, let alone what Billy’s Dad supposedly told him speaks pretty loudly to the idea that Billy’s father is not Nat Pagle, Billy is just an idiot who happens to coincidentally be correct.

    Then again, I suppose that they both could be orphans.  Which would explain Adam’s frustrations, and bring up a lot of questions about Billy’s mental health.  After all, walking talking fish on land is just a myth…  Like yetis… or Dragons.

    Poor poor insane Billy.

  • How Reforging Works

    Well with 4.0.1 now live and all the craziness bouncing about with all the new options, glyphs going for 200g a pop, and target dummies crowded to the point where you feel like testing is more like a test of patience trying to target the dumb thing instead of seeing what your DPS is.  I decided that how best to address the new patch was to make an image illustrating how the new Reforging system works:

    See, it’s surprisingly simple.

  • Warchief Election: Blood and Honor

    This is it folks.  The whole enchilada. The very last installment of the Warchief Election Debates.  Starting tomorrow (10/12/10) while the servers go down for maintenence and Patch 4.0.1 graces us with it’s presence, a new page will be added here at OddCraft.  On that page, you will be able to vote for your choice of who will be the new warchief.  But that is what’s ahead of us.  Right now, we have the two final candidates who as of yet haven’t had a chance to speak to each other this entire election.  Two behemoths of Orc-dom.  The Warchief incumbent and voice of peace… THRALL, SON OF DUROTAN!  And at the left podium,  an orc whose reputation far surpasses his approval ratings (which are quite low), GARROSH HELLSCREAM!  Our sponsor for this evening is…  oh wow!  It’s the Gnomeregan Institute for Advanced Robot Gnowledge!  That’s a nice change of pace.  Some good guys!  Granted, wrong faction, but who cares!

    Now both of you know how this works.  I say a question and you two argue about it until I ask another one.  We like to keep it completely informal and without any sense of structure, because those are the things that make real debates so damn boring so people vote for whoever has the best hair.  Since neither of you have very flattering haircuts, we’ll have to stick to the issues.  Any questions before we begin?

    GARROSH: Why is a human moderating these debates?

    Bite me. That’s why.  Any other questions? No?  Good. Let’s get to it shall we.  Our first question tonight actually comes from Miss Anexxia, who originally asked this specifically for Garrosh, but since Thrall also was beat in the polls by Basic Campfire, I’m asking both of you:

    QUESTION: How does it feel to know your constituents would prefer a pile of sticks to you?

    GARROSH: I won’t lie.  It’s a bit insulting.  To imagine that those flaming logs were be preferred over someone who can actually move from spot without a shovel or a wagon.  I can see the alure to some.  After all, I am not well liked because of my policy that the best defense is a good offense.  They would rather see the Horde do nothing than defend our lands against intruders in order to eliminate “unnecesary bloodshed.”   To those people I ask them this.  Have they ever aided the Outriders in the battles for Ashenvale?  Did they ever pledge their allegience to the Frostwolf in order to claim territory in the Alterac Mountains?  Did they not spill Alliance blood in the name of the Forsaken or the defense of Durotar?  Can you really say that if the Alliance were to arrive at the gates of Orgrimmar you would stand and do nothing like the sticks?  Or would you be like me, and stand and defend your people and your land?  Kill those who threaten you and yours?  That is all that I can say about that.

    THRALL: There is such a thing as diplomacy, Garrosh.  Speaking with the Alliance and determining a course of action that is mutually beneficially to both sides.

    GARROSH: I’ll remind of you of that the next time I see Alliance filth riding around on one of their black war bears.  I’m sure that process was mutually beneficial to both sides.

    THRALL: Regardless, the fact that the Horde would rather see Basic Campfire as the new warchief is not an insult.  It is a testiment to the Horde’s attitude of self reliance.  Why else would they want a warchief that is physically incapable of doing anything, if the people themselves did not feel fit to do everything themselves.  I’m proud to know that the Horde knows that it can be strong enough to act and work without a warchief leading the way.  It shows how far we’ve come.

    GARROSH: Perhaps they’ve learned they have to do everything on their own because their current warchief would rather sit and have tea with the enemy than see his people protected from those who would see them dead.  You can’t keep harboring this infantile dream from the end of the Third War, Thrall.  The Alliance wants us gone and dead.  Proudmoore’s promise can’t hold them back forever, and what will the Horde do on that day?  Try to negotiate for our lives like dogs?  Stand there and let them snuff us out like pouring water on a flame?  We will need someone who can hold the line, and that pile of twigs isn’t it.

    QUESTION:  The world is constantly changing, sometimes in ways that no one can even predict, how will you help the Horde deal with change?

    THRALL: A question like that is best reserved for a far seer or a sage, but I will answer as I can.  Change is a force that nothing can stop, not the Alliance, nor the Horde.  It requires patience, and a willingness to loosen the reigns and let the ebb and flow of destiny steer the way.  I did not want to take up the Doomhammer when it was first thrust upon me.  I had not anticipated Orgrim’s death.  But they happened, and when the time came I donned the armor and chose to lead my people.  The spirits have, if nothing else, taught me the patience to stand back and look at the world as it is and what it might be, and act from that vantage point.

    GARROSH: Spoken like a human, Thrall.  Weak and whimpering in the ‘awe’ of it all instead of acknowledging the opportunity that has appeared.  Change is a force that nothing can stop in deed, but it can be steered.  One should not loosen the reigns just as the chance for glory makes itself known.  But it requires the strength and the determination to bring change in line with what is needed.  Strength that my opponents all lack.  When it comes down to it, they’d prefer to discuss, to plan, to plot – none of them have the will to take action!  I am sick of looking at the cowardice that has befallen the Horde’s leadership.  Even the Queen of the Dead shuffles blame to a rogue agent, acting as if she knew nothing of the plague that she ordered the creation of.  Change is opportunity.  Plain and simple.  The Horde needs a leader that is willing to seize that opportunity and embrace it for the glory of the Horde, not simply hope the bones roll in our favor.

    THRALL: The audacity! Garrosh, one cannot be so reckless with the lives of so many!  If one does not look before they leap –

    GARROSH: What, Thrall?  They might miss the chance for victory?  I would expect as much from a warchief who sits on his throne while his subjects spill blood for the Horde.  A warchief who wastes the lives of many a soldier who died in glorious battle by denying that such a battle ever occured in the name of some false truce.  I’ll never know how you live with  your pathetic human moralities.

    THRALL: Garrosh! Hold your tongue.  You forget yourself!

    GARROSH: On the contrary, I know exactly who I am.  I am the Son of Grom Hellscream, legendary hero of the Horde, the orc that freed us all from the bloodlust!

    THRALL: AND THE ONE WHO SOLD THE ORCS BACK INTO SLAVERY IN THE FIRST PLACE!

    GARROSH: How dare you!

    THRALL: Never forget that it was your father’s “seizing the opportunity” that chained the Warsong clan to Mannoroth’s blood during the Third War.  Your father redeemed himself, Garrosh.  But would you repeat the same mistakes?  What demon will you drink the blood of Garrosh?  Anger?  War?  How many will suffer for your redemption?!  Your father yielded leadership to me BECAUSE of his lust for power.

    GARROSH: You never spoke of my father this way!

    THRALL: You were depressed.  The Mag’har needed you.  What was I going to say?  “Sorry your father screwed us so bad, I guess he kinda made up for it like this.  Hope you don’t screw up as much”? Yes, I’m sure that would have helped you immensely.  Your father was a great orc, Hellscream, but he was also a thick headed idiot at times.  I owe him my life, and the lives of my clansmen, and for that, I helped you.  But if I see you following his shadow, Garrosh, I will not hesitate to call the earth to swallow you whole.

    GARROSH: I…  You…  But…   Father…

    In an unorthodox move, provoked by this somewhat sensational turn of events (and my love of juicy tabloid drama), I’m going to forgo the last question I have here and make this one simple.

    QUESTION: Why do you think you’d make a good warchief?

    THRALL: I would like to say that it is my willingness – No, my eagerness, to hold my values above all else.  That the Horde must not be tainted by past mistakes if we are ever to move forward in this world and that I would like to lead them there.  Perhaps I am too optimistic.  Perhaps I am performing a fool’s errand.  But some days it feels as if the world itself is about to tear apart, and I am the only one who can see it.  A warchief must serve more than just his people, he must serve all people.  The world needs healing: the fire burns deep, the water swirls angrily, the air blows, and the earth cracks.  I want to be there for my people and all people to heal the scars of war and hate.  Though perhaps I am too late to do so.

    GARROSH: Suddenly, I am unsure.  Through out my time in Northrend I have felt my father’s ghost at my back, urging to me to be great.  To save the Horde from weakness as he did.  Perhaps I overdid it. Perhaps I fought a monster that was never there.  But if nothing else, I know where my allegiance lies.  For all that I am, I am for the Horde.  Victory or death and nothing less.  As warchief I pledge myself to the Horde completely, and I will do everything within my power to protect the people of the Horde.  I will spill the blood of my enemies for the Horde, and I will spill my own to see the Horde reach its destined place in this new world.  I am not perfect, I can’t say that in the least.  But I don’t think any of my opponents could claim perfection either.  But I am willing to lay down my life to protect my people.  That I can claim.

    THRALL: That was good, Garrosh.  Your father…

    GARROSH: Do not praise me, Thrall.  I am not your pet.  I am an orc of the Horde.  Our fates lie in their hands now.

    Well, that’s it folks.  If that didn’t get your blood pumping, I don’t know what will.  The Voting Booth will be open tomorrow during patch day, and will stay open until patch 4.0.3, so remember to vote and remind your friends to vote too!  We’re determining the future of the Horde after all.  The voting page will have a link to all of our previous articles about the Once again our sponsor for this historic final event was the Gnomeregan Institute for Advanced Robotic Gnowledge. “After our 2 week crash course you’ll be building mechs in your sleep, but still can’t spell worth a damn”  Well, that’s honest advertising if nothing else.  Have a fun time tonight, Garrosh?

    GARROSH:  I will end you, Human!

    I am just not a people person I guess.  Ta ta for now folks!  See you at the voting booth tomorrow!

  • Warchief Election: Sticks and Bones

    Welcome one and all to our penultimate debate for the season!  That’s right folks, we have two showdowns of verbal mastery left and then it’s time to cast those votes and we’ll see who will be the new warchief!  Tonight we have two of our front runners, the Dark Lady Sylvanas Windrunner and the cooking sensation Basic Campfire!  These two were fiercely battling in the polls, and we’ve all been looking forward to this debate.

    However, since we fired Executus last time, we needed a new translator for Firespeak, so we decided to preform a horrific ritual and resurrected Hydross the Unstable…  what? He’s bilingual. Anyway, this debate is sponsored by…  /sigh…   The Nefarian Academy of Draconic Genetic Engineering And Evil Liberal Arts.  This is starting to get ridiculous.  Let’s get on with it this, so I can get paid and then use said currency to get completely drunk so I can forget this all…

    QUESTION: You are both ‘outsiders’ in your own right to the Horde, what do you think your unique view can bring to the position of Warchief?

    BASIC CAMPFIRE <Translated from FireSpeak>: <An outsider as in the context that we are not orcs?>

    Yes.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <What about Richard Knaak?>

    I don’t think any cares if Richard is an outsider or not.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <But…>

    SYLVANAS: No. One. Cares.  Answer the question, Sticks.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Very well. I would say that my ‘position’ has allowed me to brew a perspective of sympathy for the common man.  I think that being able to relate to the downtrodden and hungry common folk.  After all, it is the warchief that cooks for them, not the other way around. It’s taught me to boil compassion and – >

    SYLVANAS: Are you really going to keep this pun charade going? It’s not even amusing any more.  More pitiful really.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Look, I’m a talking pile of burning logs that has nothing going for it except for a moderate pacifist political philosophy, a bunch of cheap cooking puns and the fact that I’m not Garrosh.  Give me a break.  What I know is that being a pile of flaming sticks and doing nothing will probably be less destructive to the Horde than whatever you or Hellscream will come up with.  I’m not up at the podium openly expressing my desire for bloodshed.  How is that for an outsider perspective?  And what do you have that makes you so special as an outsider anyway, Ms. Windrunner?>

    SYLVANAS: Hate and fear.  Both are important to understand vividly if one is to control a group the size of the Horde over three continents.  Fear keeps our enemies off our lands.  Fear keeps prisoners from rising up and killing the guards.  Fear prevents betrayal.  Varimathras did not fear me, that should have been a warning.  I’ve learned the value of fear now. We must also know hate in order to ensure that we are hating our enemies and not each other.  Take a look at the situation between the Tauren and the Forsaken.  They hate us.  I know it. My people know it.  But we don’t return it.  We understand that our hatred is best served in other ways, namely our ongoing feud with those Scarlet morons.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <I’m sure the Windsong family would find your sentiment quite hollow. Or do you routinely poison people you don’t hate?>

    SYLVANAS: Thersa Windsong was dying when she came to the Undercity, nothing she had found could cure her. We tried. We failed.  I suppose you’d see many a surgeon hanged with that sense of morality, Campfire.

    QUESTION: The Warchief is required to some times make unpopular decisions, what can you say that shows the voters you can be willing to make those decisions and deal with the consequences?

    SYLVANAS: While it seems almost every decision I’ve made could be viewed as an unpopular one in some member of the Horde’s eyes, I would say one that epitomized my career – and that turned out well, I suppose – would be supporting the Sin’dorei’s admittance into the Horde.  A controversial decision, what with their reliance on fel magic for sustenance at the time.  However, the Forsaken stood by the Blood Elves and for it we have a strong ally that has proven on more than one occassion that they are an asset to the Horde.  Despite doubting glances from both orcs and tauren, I reinforced the Sin’dorei’s forces in the ghostlands with my own soldiers.  Aiding them in reclaiming the lost regions of Quel’Thalas from the Scourge and dealing a blow against the Lich King’s hold in the Dead Scar.  Top that, logs.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Is it that hard for you to simply acknowledge me with the minimal amount of respect?  To use my name instead of calling me sticks or logs?  I am another candidate in this running, you know.>

    SYLVANAS: Considering that some of the other candidates are the man-child Garrosh and a man who writes fantasy fiction, it’s not exactly something that’s going to garner any respect from me.  Or is being a candidate your ‘unpopular decision’?

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Very well, but I refuse to sink to your level, Windrunner.  As a campfire, I often make decisions that are unpopular: I wane, I lose heat, I go out in the middle of the night leaving you without warmth.  These actions have taught me how frail people can be.  They have shown me that even the smallest choice – to rest, to push myself too hard and fall behind, to lose sight of the goal – can have devastating consequences.  We must always think before we act.>

    SYLVANAS: So those were choices?  You actively chose to do those things?

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Well… sort of… yes…  or when the wind was too harsh or it got wet…  or…  regardless, it has been very insightful to how one SHOULD be making decisions.  After all, the Sin’dorei with or without your support still fell to Kael’thas’ deception did they not?  Where was your unpopular decision to aid the elves now that many had succumbed to the demonic energy the other members of the Horde were worried about?>

    SYLVANAS: The Forsaken were fully devoted to the offensive at the Sunwell.  Many of our greatest champions went and pledged themselves to the cause.  I do not recall many burning twigs assaulting the enemy forces there however.  Or was allowing the Burning Legion to seize the Sunwell part of your brilliant outsider knowledge?

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <You are testing my patient, Windrunner.>

    SYLVANAS: You’ve already lost mine.

    Umm…  Okay, getting a bit tense in here. QUESTION: There is an old saying that states “Nothing ventured, Nothing gained” what are you willing to risk for the Horde and how much would you need to gain in order to be willing to push that limit?

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <The only sensible answer to the question would be ‘Only what must be risked’ and ‘Only when necessary’ but I suppose you want something more specific to titilate your readers into controversial and angry discussions?>

    Well, that would be NICE. We haven’t had a good flame war in the comment section since…   Okay, we’ve never had a flame war in the comment section.  But I would still love to see it.  I got a bag of now extremely stale popcorn set aside for the moment.  Please continue.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <I would never risk the safety of the women and children of the Horde.  I would go as far to say that only those who have chosen to fight will be risked, because they have actively consented to be risked.  The only time I would ever break this vow is in the face of complete possible annihilation.  But no battle, no war, not even invasion would cause me to risk those who have not actively chosen to be put in harms way.>

    SYLVANAS: You may find annihilation to be sooner than later if Wrynn has his way.  That man sees every horde an abomination, and wants them six feet under in the quickest possible way.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <Why am I not surprised that you take issue with Wrynn?  Still a bit sore after he vowed to reclaim the human territory you seized from them? Negotiation is the key to victory for all of Azeroth, and assumptions are the enemy of negotiation.  It’s like putting chicken gravy on a salad, you just don’t do it.>

    SYLVANAS: That’s possibly the dumbest thing I’ve heard you say yet, Twigs.  And I’m not referring to putting gravy on the salad.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <What would you risk, Windrunner?  Everything?  Down to the last crying baby?>

    SYLVANAS: Yes.

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <What?!>

    SYLVANAS: Not without reason, you short sighted lump of fuel.  Such sacrifices would not be meaningless and I am nothing if not someone who plans ahead.  If everything I have been working on comes to fruition, the Horde will no longer have a need to fear death.  Who wouldn’t elect me warchief knowing that there may be immortality to be gained?

    BASIC CAMPFIRE: <I don’t know.  How about anyone who has heard such empty promises from demons, old gods, or the cult of the damned?  You’ve gone mad, Sylvanas.  I can see why the good people of the Horde would be willing to elect a humble and honored campfire to the position over people like you.>

    SYLVANAS: Then it will be their loss for it, Campfire.  When you crackle and burn as the Alliance razes our cities the ground, we will see where the Horde’s true feelings lie.

    Umm…  wow.   There you have it folks.  I was kinda hoping for a few more Ha Ha’s there at the end, but damn.  I guess there’s a sense of finality in the air as we come to the end of the debate season.  I’m already nervous for next time when we see Garrosh Hellscream and Thrall take to the podiums.

    Of course I’d like to thank Hydross the Unstable and Bilingual for providing tonights translation and not screwing it up.  And of course, tonight’s debate was brought to by the Nefarian something or other blah blah.  Why do the bad guys keep sponsoring the debates?  Would it kill us to get a good guy sponsor?  Anyway, see you next time folks!

  • Who’s That Companion Pet?

    Who doesn’t like Mini Pets?  They’re cute, they do adorable things, and they appeal to every WoW players inner Pokemon player.  But what about for those out there who want their game to make coherent sense?  I know at least one person spoke up during my discussion of Sparkle Pony Lore that they had issues with the RP aspect of the mount and how generally a lot about it just didn’t work.  Well, if the Sparkle Pony is causing canon conflict, you can bet your disgusting oozeling that these little critters are bound to cause some issues!  So what can you do?  Well, you can continue reading this post for one, as I share my personal “lore” for some of Blizzard’s more ‘out there’ companion pets.

    It’s Mini Tyrael and Diablo!

    If you ever wondered why you shouldn’t ever cross the streams, this is why.  Of all the things to cross over from the Diablo universe, it would have to be an Archangel and the Lord of Terror himself.  Albeit shrunken in size, how did these two pint sized colossi of the Diablo franchise end up in Azeroth?  Well, this one actually isn’t that hard to explain since Azeroth has its own equivalents that these two figures can easily be attributed to.  Mini Diablo (The Lord of Terror) obviously once dwelt deep within the black heart of the Twisting Nether amongst his Burning Legions comrades.  Deterred from the constant mocking about his diminutive size, Mini Diablo (The Lord of Terror) decided to embark on a journey to the mortal plane of Azeroth, to destroy the world personally!  But when Mini Diablo (The Lord of Terror) arrived, the citizens of Azeroth found him to be just too cute and no matter how many Mini Diablo (The Lord of Terror) erupted fireballs at them, he could not get any respect.  So he unfortunately became a pet, secretly awaiting the day he can rise up and destroy all life!

    Sensing this dark, sinister and adorable plan, the Light dispatched one of its own to aid in the fight!  A cousin to the Spirit Healers found in the realm of the dead, he is a fierce defender of the light! He is only 12 inches tall, and NOT in that way.  He is the pint sized defender of the Light sent here to stomp out the devious (and adorable) workings of Mini Diablo (The Lord of Terror)!  He is Mini Tyrael! Enemy to demons, Friend to worshippers of the light, patron mini guardian of paladins everywhere!  He is often seen defending good and noble souls from the darkness of the Burning Legion and especially the machinations of Mini Diablo (The Lord of Terror).

    It’s Grunty, Mini Thor and the Zergling!

    This are perhaps is the easiest of them all, after all StarCraft is science fiction and what is science fiction without its vast array of plot hole filling goodies (Don’t believe me? Ask a Trekkie what a Heisenberg Compensator is.  Now ask them how it works.)  All 3 of these could be easily written off with wormholes, time travel or something like that.  But how about we find something slightly less science fiction-y to explain these three, I’m sure someone will appreciate the effort.  The first and probably easiest is the Zergling.  Like Mini Diablo (The Lord of Terror) the Zergling is probably an abberation of the Burning Crusade that has found its way into employ of the mortals similar to the felhunters and imps of the Warlocks.  It’s not hard to see it as a fleshy deviant cousin of the Felhunters actually (Fun Fact Kids!  Felhunters are hunters of a fel origin, they do not hunt other fel demons.  Yes, it’s bad naming. That’s why warlocks call them fel puppies).

    However, Grunty and Mini Thor are a bit harder to explain.  Where do you find a machine gun toting, power armor wearing murloc and a robot with a tons of guns? Ah, I see you think what I’m thinking:  Gnomeregan.  Yes, Thermaplugg is starting to feel the pressure with constant intrusions into his city. He’s having to turn out stranger and more powerful constructs to do his bidding.  Riskier machines with dangerous amounts of weapons.  Thus he began to design his newest weapon of destruction, the Tank-based Humanoid Offensive Robot.  However, due to lack of resources he could only scrounge enough parts to make miniaturized versions of his original design.  Thus the Mini T.H.O.R. was born.  Of course a bunch of no good adventurer types keeping breaking in and stealing the prototypes.

    But that’s not the only sinister project that Thermaplugg has up his sleeve.  Oh no.  You see, on top of machines, he’s begun to experiment on organic life as well.  Finding ways to reinforce his own True Sons of Gnomeregan, the vile leper gnomes, he has begun to test fusing weaponry and armor to innocent little murlocs in horrific experiments to create half machine/half murloc soldiers.  However, only having murloc intelligence, they are not the brightest little things (Bright enough to know to use that gun of theirs against demons like the Zergling though).  Fortunately, the forces of DEHTA have descended into the Gnomeregan labs and freed many of this little critters and have begun delivering them to um…  “safer” homes.

    It’s the Spirit and Essence of Competition!

    These two were very tricky for me.  I mean, honestly, there are no other dragons like these two in the world.  None of the flights have the appearance of this serpent like whelps.  However, there are many skeletons from around Azeroth that bear a distinct similarity to these creatures.  From the lake beds of Ashenvale, to off the coast of Stranglethorn large skeletal serpents are buried in the sand.  Could these little guys be descended from these large serpents?  If so, where have they been all this time?  Well, there’s only been one place that no one in Azeroth has been to in all these years.  One place where a dragon like these could be easily be bred as pets with out seeming out of place at all: Pandaria, the homeland of the Pandaren Empire.  Is it that shocking?  These pets are styled after Japanese dragons (Fun Fact, Kids! Japanese dragons are drawn with 3 toes, Chinese dragons are depicted with 4 or 5 toes) so it wouldn’t be out of the question that these dragons came from the heavily Asian inspired Pandaria (Chinese pandas wearing Japanese samurai armor).  What?  I can’t be alone on this.

    It’s Deathy and Murkimus!

    Murlocs sure do a lot don’t they?  I put these two on here because quite honestly, I see the explanation for both them being the same: Goblins.  Deathy really is the biggest stretch, but follow me here.  Deathwing isn’t the type of dragon to just go through an elaborate procedure like having his body bound together by giant plates of adamantite without having a few guinea pigs try it out first.  Enter the murlocs.  By exposing them directly to the demon soul, their bodies would become wracked with the same destruction as Deathwing himself, allowing this charred and molten murlocs to be test subjects for the procedure at the hands of Deathwing’s entourage of goblin scientists, thus creating the Deathies, demented and broken murlocs who know eternal suffering of being burnt alive constantly from the inside and kept alive only by the power they were blessed with by being exposed to the Demon Soul.  Now with the Shattering and the return of Deathwing, the Deathies have made it back to the surface and into your mail boxes.  Let’s just hope they don’t go insane and try to kill us all.

    Murkimus requires far less explanation in my opinion.  Goblins like to make money, goblins run the arenas, an easy way to make money? Put murlocs into tiny arenas and sell tickets! Seriously, people love murlocs.  Those tickets will be sold out faster than you can yell “I AM MURKIMUS!” at the Emperor.  But when Murkimus is retired, what will happen to him?  Well, he’ll be adopted probably.  Maybe by you!

    It’s Lil’ KT and XT!

    I’m going to address Lil’ XT first, simply because he’s probably the easier of the two.  Namely because Lil’ XT is the embodiment of gnomish reverse engineering.  After the destruction of XT and the doors of Ulduar breached, the gnomes that worked with Brann got to collecting the various parts and pieces and doing what gnomes do – Tinker!  Well they were able to create a smaller version of XT from examining the parts and pieces left by those who had ventured into the darkness of Ulduar.  Now with their tiny version perfected, they can send it out to whomever! Right through the mailbox! With gnomish ingenuity!

    As for Lil’ KT, well the only thing I can really say is that it may actually be part of Kel’Thuzad.  A smaller, not fully regenerated one, mind you.  If your curious how that happens, the first time we killed Kel’Thuzad back at level 60, he dropped his phylactery which we turned over to be destroyed by the Argent Dawn.  However, due to some ‘accidental’ filing errors, the phylactery was never destroyed and thus Kel’Thuzad was resurrected.  Well, if you note when we kill Big KT at level 80, we don’t destroy his phylactery then either.  So Lil KT may in fact be a part of Kel’Thuzad’s soul regenerating to his full lich form.  It should take him about 20 levels to do so, so no worries about your little lich to go insane and try to kill you.  For now, he’ll just siphon the life off the rats.

    It’s the Perky Pug!

    Probably the hardest thing to explain in the game is the perky pug.  No, I’m not joking.  We’re talking about a world where until this little thing came along “dogs” were just domesticated worgs.  So where did it come from?  Well, historically pugs came from breeding animals for cuteness and size, so the creature is the result of some old school genetic engineering.  Well, when I think genetic engineered animals, there is only one person in all of Azeroth that I can think of.  Mei F-ing Francis.  This woman has an endless supply of albino drakes,  celestial steeds, and mounts of every color of the rainbow.  She’s made more of a mess of the field of genetics than a Michael Crichton novel in a blender.  Is it that hard to think that amongst all her freakish experiments she isn’t breeding adorable puppies for sale?  Sounds like the thing she would do.

    Well there you go, Oddcraft’s list of semi-canonical explanations for some of the oddest mini pets out there!

  • Who Are Heroics For?

    WARNING: This Post May Contain What Some People Might Consider SPOILERS for Cataclysm.  Mostly this is a discussion of game design, but there are a few faction names,  location names, and some of the current mechanics from the expansion mentioned here. Again, I’m not in the Beta, there’s nothing exactly ground breaking-ly new or shocking, but if you consider a few proper nouns without a lot of context to still be spoiler-ish, you have been warned.

    So their been a bit of a buzz as of late revolving around the Heroic Dungeons in Cataclysm.  From what I can piece together from the various bits of Cataclysm news I actually look at (I try hard to avoid spoilers) it seems that the heroic dungeons are now available for testing in the beta and apparently they are quite hard.  Now of course, this is still the beta and that difficulty can be whittled away through the course of continous testing or even after launch via patches and what not (Helloooo Oculus), and it may stay just as hard or even increase in difficulty as more instances get added to the game in later patches.

    The discussion has mostly been centered around the idea of whether ‘to nerf or not to nerf’ the heroic dungeons.  Some people really want to see us return to the days of the Burning Crusade in terms of Heroics, a focus on strategic pulls, crowd control, and those who don’t know what to do will have a hard time faking it. Others enjoy the model adopted by Wrath of the Lich King, in which heroics were an easy means to get some low level epics and badges to purchase even better epics.  Most conversations I’ve seen debating this make casual use of labels such as “casual” (ie “Casuals killed heroics”) or “hardcore” (ie “Heroics should be for the Hardcore players”) and excessive use of the terms “noob” and “bads” (which has apparently has become a noun right under my nose.  Hooray for an ever evolving language!  …and thank goodness for Urban Dictionary.)

    Most of the time there is, in my opinion, a major component of the heroics discussion goes unmentioned.  Wait. Stop.  Don’t finish those eye rolls. I am NOT going to say that heroics were hard back at the beginning of WotLK.  In fact, you’ll never find me argue that the heroic dungeons of WotLK were very easy compared to their Burning Crusade cousins.  But note how I say cousins and not incarnations.  Because that’s what we need to be looking at, as well as how we look at the Heroics of Cataclysm.  These ‘variants’ of Heroics, in my eyes, are not an evolution of content but rather more like different flavors of ice cream.  Vanilla and chocolate are worlds apart, but are both technically ice creams.  The difference between these ‘flavors’ of heroics is not one of ‘difficulty’ but of purpose.  Allow me to look at the “history” (for lack of a better word) of Heroics in depth:

    The Burning Crusade Design: Off Time for the Raiders

    Way way waaay back in the savage age that was 2007, WoW’s first expansion – The Burning Crusade – was delivered unto a player base that was raised on grinds, super coordinated fights, massive dungeon crawls, and where only the best of the best would find themselves at the gates of raiding.  Burning Crusade, to say the least, did a fair job of cracking that world view into many little pieces that you’d have a hard time sweeping up and then would occasionally step on as you stumbled through the kitchen in the dark to drink milk from the carton even though your not supposed to and cause you to yell in pain, drop the milk, and then kick the cat because it sits there mocking you with its low light vision…  what was I talking about?  Oh yea, Burning Crusade.

    Burning Crusade introduced smaller raids, shorter dungeons, and a token system that made getting your tier equipment much more bearable than taking it in the unmentionables from the RNG machine (I’ve run Molten Core dozens of times since starting to play, never seen Garr drop my warlock horns ONCE.  Thank the spirits for reskinned models.) This too was considered “catering to the casuals and the bads” at the time and was a sure sign that the game was dead (Spoiler: it didn’t die) but the one thing the game brought that was definitely not for the ‘casuals’ was the introduction of Heroic Dungeons.

    Heroic Dungeons brought with them a massive leap in difficulty and access to epics outside of crafting and raiding. It also was the only way to get epic gems until Tier 6 was introduced.  But with the difficulty brought with it a hefty cost to enter.  The generalization usually given was that you had to raid to get the gear to do the heroics.  That idea is the key of figuring what Heroics were back in Burning Crusade.  They offered Badges of Justice to get raid level gear, they offered a variety of epics that could fit in those few slots you didn’t have the DKP or good enough rolls to score raid gear for yet (because as  D&D player, I understand the subtle art that is ‘getting better at rolling dice’…   I’m not lying…  nope…), and they dropped epic gems you could place in that slightly more permanent epic gear.

    Heroic Dungeons were something for raiders to do when they weren’t raiding. Plain and simple.  It had a shorter lockout, it gave rewards that helped you out as a raider and it was more or less tuned to assume that you had some raiding experience.  It wasn’t designed to ‘prepare’ you for anything.  The entry costs for Lower Karazhan (that’s everything up to Curator in case you’ve never heard that term, which is likely because I’ve never heard it before and probably just made it up) could roughly be achieved by getting top end blues from normal dungeons, the better quest rewards from the long chains in Netherstorm and Shadowmoon, and crafted epics.

    The Wrath of the Lich King Design: The Ladder to Raiding

    Wrath brought a lot of changes to the game again (now beginning to establish the pattern of relearning the game every expansion).  Raids could be done as 10 man or 25 man (catering to casuals), Tier 6 was useful beyond the first quest rewards of Northrend (game is too easy lolz), that the game was dead (Spoiler: still didn’t die), and the biggest change, the one that has haunted WotLK through it’s entire life span was the purpose of heroics had changed.  Most people chopped this up to the previously mentioned ‘game is too easy’ and ‘catering to the casuals’ and that the once mighty heroics were nerfed to this.  But they weren’t nerfed.  Not in the least.  The concept was repurposed.  Kinda like building a target dummy so you can destroy it for easy fused wiring.  Heroic Dungeons were no longer a side activity for the raiders, it was a part of the progression.

    I’m often shocked (shocked I say) at how many times this is overlooked by people who complained about the heroics in the current expansion.  I thought it was fairly obvious from the get go.  You get to 80 and do normal dungeons (Stage 1), then once you are geared to the point of doing heroics, you did those to start cobbling together your epics for raiding and your badges (Stage 2) and then your set to go off to the tier 7 raids and start reaping your rewards (Stage 3+).  Wait! Don’t start with the eye rolling again! I know just what your thinking.  Then why would they start giving frosty badges for running them if they were never designed to run once you were at Stage 3 or beyond?  Well, simple, there will still people at stage 2 waiting to get their stuff but there just wasn’t enough people to cobble together enough to run them.  So you had to be given treats to go back and help the stage 2 people in order to prevent the gear gap from solidifying and keep the content flowing.

    This plan ultimately I think backfired.  While yes, those at Stage 2 were eventually able to graduate to stage 3 either by drops or by badges (the triumph badge change went a long way here.  The purpose of letting everyone get a chance to at least go into Icecrown Citadel was pretty obvious here I think, so I’m not going to get into it) but it created resentment of the stage 1-2 people by the stage 4-5 people.  They higher ups just wanted frosties, didn’t care about the stage 2 people, and saw them as an obstacle to their frosties.  Resentment leads to hate and hate leads some Yoda quote, yadda yadda yadda.  To be honest, if they had the Dungeon Finder ready to go at the beginning of WotLK instead of the end, I think the whole expansion may have played out much differently (Same thing with the Hardmode rewards, etc) but then again hindsight is always 20/20, right?

    The Cataclysm Design: The Mystery On The Horizon

    So what will Cataclysm bring in terms of heroics?  Well, the Developers have stated their intent to go back to a “Burning Crusade” style set up.  Not surprising considering the backlash from the ‘Progression Ladder’ style that Wrath gave us.  The question is how far will the pendulum swing in that direction?  Will DPS Warriors become moot once more without a solid form of crowd control?  Will mages and rogues be only ones not to kicked in random?  I doubt it.  Blizzard is too good about learning their lessons to do that again.  I think the real thing to look at with this news is that Heroics are once again going to be tuned for off-the-clock raiders and those of comparable gear level.  Ghostcrawler has made mention that he’d like level 85’s to once more have to turn to high level quest drops and crafted items to start to assemble a raiding set, not just Heroics.

    As long as this thought process follows through and normal dungeon drops, quest items and crafted gear can actually get you prepped enough to enter the lowest tier of raids, and heroics don’t start taking on the trappings of the raid markings and CC-or-Wipe filled memories like Heroic Shattered Halls or Heroic Magister’s Terrace, I think Cataclysm could prove to be quite the rewarding experience.  I’m not without my worries though.  Namely in terms of reputation factions (what can I say, I’m a completionist and I like my bars to be full dangit), the tabards currently seem to only reward rep for heroic dungeon runs, and my limited gazings into Cataclysm haven’t revealed any confirmation of daily questions to increase rep like we had in WotLK (Okay, I know Tol Barad has some, but that’s the Isle of Quel’danas aspect of its design, what about the Earthern Ring?).  But these are minor things all in all, and for the most part, mechanically at least, I’m very much looking forward to Cataclysm, even if it means having to relearn everything (Wait… hunters stand behind their pets and shoot?!  WTF!?)

  • Warchief Election: Warriors Gonna War

    Hello everyone and welcome back to yet another exciting Warchief Election Debate! Last time we got some pretty awesome ratings thanks to the good people over WoW Insider (We promise not to say anything bad about you for like, six weeks.  I know we haven’t ever said anything about you before either, but this is like a guarantee.  Which is even better right?). Anyway, this week we’ve got a doozy.  It’s the polar opposite of last time – we’ve got two war minded candidates tonight and they look ready to kill, which means it HAS to be more interesting than two pacifists ‘duking’ it out for who doesn’t want to hurt more people.

    As always, we have the Son of Hellscream himself, the slayer of…  (Um… Garrosh…  have you actually killed anything?  Uh huh.  What’s that?  Hmm.. okay.) The slayer of depression, the destroyer of da blues, Garrosh Hellscream! And also we have the privilege, nay the pleasure, of welcoming back the Dark Lady, Sylvanas Windrunner, queen of the forsaken and crusher of giant ice walls.  Tonight’s debate is brought to you by The Enterprise Company…  seriously?  I was just joking last time! Do they think this is going to work?  Oh well, “Enterprise Company.  Your source for everything the Venture Company has, only you can buy it from us because we’re totally not evil and totally not the Venture Company”  Can we just get on with the stinking debates?

    QUESTION: Both of tonight’s candidates…

    RICHARD KNAAK: I’m still here, a**hole.

    Sorry Richard, totally forgot you were there… again.  Ahem.  Again the majority of our candidates tonight are in favor of war with the Alliance.  So the first question this evening is why do you think war is the best possible option as well as why your strategic plans are better than your opponents?

    GARROSH: The Alliance is a threat to the Horde.  That’s all they are ever going to be.  No matter what we do, they will continue to see us as beasts and monsters that serve no other purpose but to killed off or kicked out until we no longer dwell in “their world.”  I think the fact that they still feel that way after everything our current warchief has done is proof enough that they want nothing else but to see us dead.  The best defense is a good offense.  We need to strike out and stake our claim in this world if we are ever going to have anything.  You think that those noble souls doing battle in Warsong Gulch are just playing around with a flag?

    RICHARD KNAAK: Yes.

    GARROSH: No! They are battling for the resources and control of the territory that those resources reside on for the Horde!  We need that lumber for the houses that our young sleep in!  We need it to defend our walls, and our loved ones! And the only way we will ever lay claim to the resources we need to survive is to take them from those who will not willingly give them.  So we fight the Alliance, not because we are blood shedding beasts but because we wish to survive!  I will not lay down my honor and roll over to die as a coward in some ditch while the Alliance takes everything from us. My father did not die so the Horde could live on their knees.  He died so we could be free people! Free from the bloodlust, the demons, our pasts, and the Alliance!

    RICHARD KNAAK: Yes but like when I created Rhonin, I thought-

    SYLVANAS: Surprisingly, I actually agree with Garrosh.  War with the Alliance is necessary if for no other reason than self-preservation.  Anyone who argues against self-preservation is an illogical idiot than deserves the fate that awaits them.  However, I don’t agree with Garrosh’s idea of brute strength beating down the doors of the Alliance and saying ‘gimme.’  No, to best the Alliance we are better off using subtlety.  A precise strike can do far more damage than constantly bludgeoning something over the head repeatedly.  That’s why I founded the Royal Apothecary Society.

    GARROSH:  And didn’t that turn out peachy?

    SYLVANAS: Quiet, you lap dog of Thrall.  ‘Everything our current warchief has done’?  Ha! Does he read you bed time stories now that daddy is dead?

    GARROSH:  Hold your tongue, banshee.

    SYLVANAS: You are in no place to order me, Hellscream.  The Society was founded with the idea of finding a way to efficiently and secretly eliminate our enemies without needing to lift anything more than a finger to push the button.  I see now that leaving Putress and Varimathras unsupervised was a mistake, one I don’t plan to make again.  But efficiency means less deaths for the Horde, more deaths for the Alliance and anything we can need can be at our disposal with a simple flick of the wrist and drop of well designed slime.

    GARROSH:  There is no honor in that!  Honor comes from defeating your enemies head on and in a glorious battle!

    RICHARD KNAAK: …kind of an outsider that could unite everyone under a single cause, be it horde or alliance or even humans and elves. Heck it was almost like I invented Robin Hood…

    SYLVANAS: Your outdated senses of honor are useless here.  This is no time for wasting lives.

    GARROSH: Like you have a life to waste.

    RICHARD KNAAK: …And when Vereesa saw him for the first time, oh ho ho, there’s no avoiding a couple of half-elf kids at that point.

    SYLVANAS: What. did. you. just. say.  ABOUT MY LITTLE SISTER?

    RICHARD KNAAK: Nothing!

    QUESTION: Having engaged in some rather questionable actions in the past, it has made some voters uneasy about putting you in charge of the Horde.  What can you say to defend your past actions and why should voters trust you?

    GARROSH:  I admit that my actions in Northrend were… extreme.  But extreme actions is what the situation called for.  We faced two enemies in that frozen hell, one thought of us as nothing more than household vermin and the Scourge feared nothing, not even death.  There is no ‘merciful’ tactic against enemies like that.  You must not hesitate or else you give them the chance to take you by surprise.  Look at that pathetic human’s tournament in Icecrown! He left the doors right open for the Lich King to enter and doom us all and then acted surprised when he did just that.  That is the kind of weakness the Horde cannot afford anymore.  If that means we are brutal, then we shall be brutal.  If the humans want to hate us, then we will just have to make them fear us instead.  That is why I did what I had to in Northrend.  I regret nothing. My only sorrow is for those who judge me less for doing what had to be done to ensure the livelihood of the Horde.

    SYLVANAS:  I will admit that trusting Varimathras was a mistake.  One of only a few that I will ever commit.  I know that now the only one worth trusting is myself.  That is why I chose to run for warchief.  To leave it in the hands of a half-cocked buffoon like Garrosh is too dangerous, Thrall is just leading us down a path of becoming slaves or getting killed, and I don’t even know what people are thinking to put a pile of sticks on the throne.  What are they expecting it to do when the Alliance marches through the gates of Orgrimmar?  Make a stew and hope they just leave because now they are full?  The Alliance is not a stray dog.  It will not love you just because you gave it some scraps.  If we are going to get things done, we need someone who knows from hard earned experience that you can’t trust anyone but yourself to do it right.

    GARROSH: What about that plague that just happened to kill both living and undead targets?

    SYLVANAS: A lack of oversight can cause many a malicious act to occur when one is not looking.  I can assure you that the new plague was designed solely for the purpose of destroying the Lich King and his forces.  Anything else is a product of Putress’ involvement.

    GARROSH:  I smell fear, Windrunner.

    SYLVANAS: And I smell Orc B.O.  Could you please go back to YOUR podium?

    Well, I think we’ve heard just about enough of that for tonight.  I’d like to-

    RICHARD KNAAK: One damn moment, you’ve drug me to these infernal debates twice, TWICE, now and not only have I been ridiculed and made a fool of but I have not once been given a chance to voice my opinion or present myself fairly to the voters.

    Oh?  You think we’ve kept you down some how?  Okay, Richard, I’ll ask you a question.  Just you.  How about that?

    RICHARD KNAAK: Excellent.  I have prepared a question just for this ocassion.

    Wait… that’s not…  Oh fine! Give me that damn card.

    RICHARD’S AWESOME QUESTION: Richard, what is your fantastic take on the issues?  How amazingly easily would it be for you to fix all of the Horde’s problems?  Are you really as awesome as they say, or are you awesome-er?

    RICHARD KNAAK: Well, thank you for such a flattering question, I think first and foremost that –

    Well, what do you know, that’s all we have time for tonight.

    RICHARD KNAAK: WHAT?!

    I’d like to thank our sponsors at… ugh…  Enterprise Company, “Strip mining your land in totally nice, safe ways cause we’re totally not the Venture Co.”  And thank you for tuning in!

    RICHARD KNAAK: I will sue you, Vrykerion!

    Next time we’ll have Basic Campfire chatting toe to toe with the Banshee Queen, Lady Sylvanas Windrunner.

    RICHARD KNAAK: All of you can burn in hell!

    Until next time folks! This is Vrykerion, saying take care of yourself and your main tank. (Can we turn Richard’s mic off?  Thanks.  He was really… WHOA! RICHARD! PUT THAT DOWN! PUT THAT–)

  • The Mystery of the Giant Dragonblight Skeleton

    One Hundred Oddities ago I started a little blog for me to tell my silly stories and post my strange little theories so some jolly ‘net wanderer might get a few chuckles from it.  100 Oddities later, I have my own web site, I have regular readers, and I have a twitter!  So for 100 oddities of sheer wacky, demented fun, I say thank you to everyone who has every come across my site, to my regular readers an especially big thank you.  That being said, let’s proceed to my 100th Oddity…

    Back when I first started this site, there was one weird thing that I had seen while traversing Northrend that I was determined to save for something special.  It was one unexplained thing that started all of these thoughts and desires to explore all the other unexplained things in Azeroth.  Just off the southern coast of the Dragonblight, along where the Path of the Titans shatters and sinks deep into the ocean floor, there is a massive dragon skeleton.  So big, that you can actually see it on the mini map.  This colossal dragon of unknown origin was the progenitor for all of Oddcraft, so with that said, I’d like to give you my very special 100th Oddity…  video:

    Thank you all for 100 great fun posts! Here’s looking forward to the end of the Warchief Election next month, and the next 100 weird things we dig up together! (Speaking of digging up…  Archeology Oddities…  Oh yes…)

  • Back to Square One: The Expansion Shuffle

    No worries, the Mayan Calendar predicts that Cataclysm will be delayed until Q4 2012.

    You must unlearn what you have learned. – Some puppet in a movie

    Like some untold horror from ages past, it looms over us as we bask in its ever darkening shadow as it approaches.  The excitement builds to an unappeasable boil and those who have glimpsed the madness to come eagerly prepare for its arrival.  The word lingers on the lips of everyone, ‘Cataclysm’.  The end of the world.  But it is not the first of it’s kind.  While Azeroth is scheduled to be sundered and shattered and all manner of other frightening verbs, the simple fact of the matter is that this is a cyclical terror that is doomed to menace us again and again.  While Deathwing’s return marks the proverbial end of the world as we know it for our characters, the fact of the matter is that we players face an ‘end of the world’ every time an expansion comes around.

    Now that Patch 4.0 is on the PTR the excitement for Cataclysm is beginning to foam with unease and anxiety over what the game is set to bring.  Are holy paladins doomed to extinction?  Will death knights be just as overpowered as before?  Will there be something that hunters won’t want to roll on?!  How will mechanic X, Y or Z affect the way I play?  And do electric sheep dream of androids?  As the questions begin to flow, anxiety turns to frustation.  A sense of personal belonging becomes a sense of entitlement: Why did Blizzard break MY class?  I didn’t want healing to change this much!  I can’t believed they buffed THEM but not ME.  For someone like me, who long ago accepted the fact that I can’t expect anything to carry over, it becomes devastatingly entertaining to watch. (Devastating in the sense that you can really really really REALLY tick people off this way)

    So, in my tradition of making grandiose lists that benefit no one but myself, here are a few of Oddcraft’s tips for surviving the inevitable “end of the world”:

    STEP ONE: EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

    Just assume that everything you think and understand about how you play your character is completely wrong and you’ll need to pick it up from scratch.  If you want to give it a try, roll a class you’ve never played before, get it to level 15, and go into a dungeon with the most unfamiliar task possible for this class (Healing for tanks, tanking for heals, anything but dps if you’re normally a dps).  It’s weird right?  Like wearing a sweaty pair of someone else’s sneakers while sleeping in their house, in a room that their grandmother died in a year before.  That kinda weird.  It’s not unbearable, but it’s a damn awkward feeling.

    Occasionally you’ll get that lovely moment where you can feel the heat of the blush spreading across your face as a small line of text points out that you’re doing something horrible wrong and they it should be done is ‘this’.  It can come in the form of helpful advice, annoyed scornful anger, or head to desk beating intolerance – but all the same, you’ve just learned that everything you knew was wrong.  That’s the feeling you should walk into Cataclysm (or any expansion with).  Maybe it’s a bit easier for me because I remember those horrendous n00b moments (Why? Because my personal mindset of always focusing on the negative in my life has me constantly remembering every single little screw up. I’m also a Sagittarius and my favorite colors are green and black. Nice to meet you.) and believe me, I’ve had them.  Like being a melee hunter until level 38 when someone in a Scarlet Monastary run was kind enough to explain why exactly Blizz saw fit to hand me a gun, or leveling 1-70 on a warlock using the rotation: Voidwalker goes in -> DoTs -> then wand until dead.  I’m not above saying that I need to relearn some things a lot of the time.

    STEP 2: BACK IN MY DAY…

    Now that you know that everything you know is wrong, the first inclination in your head will be that obviously, everything was better when I did understand it.  In Burning Crusade, Vanilla was the best.  In Wrath of the Lich King, Burning Crusade was the greatest achievement WoW had ever seen.  Who wants to wager that we’ll see people clamoring about how Cataclysm is not as epic as downing the Lich King, or way too easy with the point system tier gear, or that how you leveled your blacksmithing back when it was hard and no one got easy mode ‘multiple points’ for making an item.  How dare they be able to do what I did easier and quicker!

    Since these is simply a micro version of the generational thinking that leads our parents to think that the world has gone to hell and young people have no respect, and the young people to think that they old people are outdated and do not merit being listened to, I will simply address the topic two fold and say this:  Shut. Up. Pretty. Pretty. Please.  If you would like to play a static game, in which the situation does not change on a dime, and your hard earned achievements mean the same now as when they first came out, I would like to point you towards your Xbox 360 or Playstation 3.  They provide excellent methods of developing a proud, strong ePeen that are just as easy to wave around in people’s faces and the simple fact is beating the game on the hardest difficulty does not get any easier in a single player game.  There is your Valhalla, brave warrior.  Seek it out and drink heartily from your cup in the hall of your fathers.If you think the game is dead, go play something else.  There’s a variety of choices out there.  One’s that require you to build a strong team to tackle content that the pitiful casual players will never get to glimpse.  Just don’t sit here and belly ache about how the game you loved is “dead” in trade chat.  You’re not doing anything but a disservice to yourself.  (For the record, that’s the same speech I gave my grandparents when I turned 18.)

    The alternative to the “please please please be quiet” technique, is to take a step back and look at it in the broader scheme.  The people from vanilla were complaining about Burning Crusade, Burning Crusaders were saying the same things about Wrath of the Lich King, and again and again and again.  Once you can see the whole thing for what it is, you’ll realize that there’s always something to complain about, that someone always has it easier than you did, and this transcends a single expansion or patch, so this is not a unique or individual event that can be pinpointed for all of this.  It’s constant, and ever present.  The only way to get past it is to decide that you’ve either had enough and leave or acknowledge the change and move on.  This is the same thing that happens every day in the real world between parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren, and TV talk show hosts and their audience.  There is no ending it, so the route to go in my opinion is to accept and move on.

    As for the reverse, new and youthful players, listen to the wisdom of the old players (when it actually is wisdom…  I must stress that.  Not everything an old schooler says is a nugget of golden truth, especially when the ‘old schooler’ is a 12 year old wearing a shirt with a NES controller that says ‘Represent’) because if the past two expansions are any indication, expect to see some old fight mechanics repeated and possibly mixed together (Anub’arak in Azjol-Nerub is the Lurker Below with bugs instead of fish people, and how many times have we’ve seen Baron Geddon’s living bomb come back to haunt us?)  So they may actually have some fun insights to share with you as to how you can combat the new fights.

    STEP 3: ACCEPTANCE

    If anything, all these changes be it changes to mana regeneration or making the game easier or harder, should not be looked at with disdain but with the joy of new exploration.  It’s the wild west again my friends and we’ve got a brand new world to explore, and all new tools to learn how to explore it with.  It’s the joy of learning a new class without having to start with nothing but your backpack and a full suit of vendor trash on your back.  Use this as a time to learn something new, and improve yourself with it.  What’s the worse that happens?  Some things are out of whack in 4.0 and they get tuned again and again until they are back in line.  Look at Death Knights from 3.0 to 3.3 – HUGE change.  What about the awesome might that was Retadins? – To the ground baby!  But also look at the issues with AoE threat, or making it easier to find groups with the dungeon finder.

    CONCLUSION

    So yes, 4.0 will be the end of the world as we know it.  Just like 3.0 was (Oh god, nerf Death Knights!), and 2.0 was as well (Oh god, nerf Felguards!).  Just grab yourself a towel full of supplies and soaked in resources, stick out your thumb for a ride to the next evolution of the game and no matter what, regardless of what you’ve read on forums, no matter what screams of fear echo in the hearts of blog comment sections:  DO. NOT. PANIC.  And I’ll see you all on the other side.

  • Go Goliaths! Go Go Goliaths!

    Separated at birth? Distant cousins? Same cosmetic dentistry procedure?

    Where? Valley of Bones, Desolace

    I have a bone to pick with Cataclysm.  It’s a punch to the rib cage with all the changes it’s making to the Old World and I’m rattling my skull trying to think of all of the weird ones I need to cover before the big patch comes and leaves me picking what’s left off the bones of these ideas.  That being said, I’ve always been captivated with the large skeletons embedded in the walls of southern Desolace.  I mean, there are a lot of stray bones in Azeroth, mostly of creatures you’ll never be able to figure out who or what they were.  Heck, just take a trot further south to Silithus.  It’s bone central!  But these two skeletons are interesting because they seem to help tie an idea together that is deeply embedded in WoW lore, and kind have gotten concistently swept underneath the rug in favor of less subtle lore, like the God of Death hanging out in a Titan basement and Arthas’ not shutting the hell up about his crappy plan that is doomed to fail.  So today we explore the mystery that is…  The Dead Goliaths.

    The Dead Goliaths, sometimes called the Twin Goliath (Not to be confused with the slightly less mysterious, more natural phenomon known as the Twin Colossus, which is further south in Feralas) have actually been a subject of some discussion.  The general idea is that they were giant naga that fell in battle, either to each other or to dozens of centaur soldiers (as demonstrated by the arrows in their armor).  Though it could be that the large targets proved to be useful as target practice for the Centaur and they had nothing to do with the destruction of the Dead Goliaths. But that’s the exact problem here, we know NOTHING about these things.  We have nothing to go off of except for the remains.  There’s no text that references them directly, in fact the only time they are mentioned in a quest is as a visual landmark, a simple sign for players to tell them “KILL TEH SKELETONS HERE GUYZ LOL!”  However, they are mentioned in the Warcraft RPG books as an entry made by one Brann Bronzebeard in his explorations of Kalimdor, where he notes that they are: “bones of Old Gods.”  There’s that name again – Old Gods.  It seems to turn up as often as Twisting Nether only it carries much more weight because it tends to refer to a very specific thing, instead of an easy deus ex machina.

    As I said before, most people have assumed that these two creatures are massive naga.  While the connection between the Old Gods and the naga is well known, as well as the naga’s presence across the ocean shore of Desolace, I’m not entirely convinced that they are the same creature.  My case for this stems mostly from the most overused plot device in any crime mystery: forensics.  More importantly, the teeth on these things.  Naga do not have fangs like these two goliaths do.  They tend to have rows of sharp teeth of approximately the same size in their mouths, similar to that of a moray eel, where these creatures clearly have the teeth similar to that of a snake, with two large fangs.  Not only that, but we’ve never seen a naga this big.  Ever.  Not even hints of one.  Surely if naga grew this big, they would have used them before this point somewhere ( …Okay, there is Naj’entus.  He’s pretty big.  Maybe. MAYBE. But then there’s the whole teeth thing.)

    However, there is another creature with teeth like that and while it’s a little smaller, it’s size does not extend beyond the possibilities of slightly larger variations.  Another creature that Brann Bronzebeard had also described once as an ‘Old God.’  An ancient and powerful creature of unknown origin and unknown species.  Oh come on, you must have thought of it by now.  Heck I know half of you thought of it as soon as you saw the picture for these things.  Hakkar!  Hakkar the Soulflayer from Zul’Gurub.  You can’t tell me the dead goliaths aren’t a dead ringer for the blood god.  Which raises so many fun questions about Hakkar.  Was he truly an Old God, or a servant of the Old Gods similar to that of the Faceless Ones or the Qiraji?  If there were more than one, are there even more out there? Is that whats sitting underneath the basement of Gundrak?!  So many questions!  But I’m only going to discuss one today.  How these two things got here.

    Regardless of how they died, be it centaur, boredom or chilling in a valley having a cup of joe the moment the Sundering occurred, I want to know exactly what two giant snake people wanted in Desolace.  It sure as hell wasn’t to take in the scenery.  When you boil it down, there are the only 3 major features in Desolace: The Burning Legion area, the centaur area, and the satyr area.  All of which are scattered with a combination of Highbourne and Titan ruins.  So which of these things would two giant snake monsters want?  Well,  they could want to sign on with the Burning Legion.  It’s a futile pointless effort, since Burning Legion is not an equal opportunity employer and they probably don’t provide dental since I don’t think any of their forces actually have teeth (Felhunters have beaks… Maybe?  I don’t know) and that’s a huge downside for giant snake people.

    If the giant snake people do turn out to be naga, it would give them a reason to talk to the satyr.  They have similar origins, both being corrupted people. Maybe they were on their way to a weekly meeting of Corrupted Elves Anonymous.  “Hi, I’m a gigantic horrible snake beast, and I’m a corrupted elf.” “Hi gigantic horrible snake beast.”  While I’m not sure how canonical that is, but it does create some awesome mental images of a bunch of monsters sitting around a fire and one crying as it has a ‘moment’.  The only other group is the centaur and the only thing I could possibly think that the snake people would want with the centaur is food.  Seriously.  There really isn’t a lot of advantages to dealing with those things.  They’re a bunch of cannibalistic half-elemental fruit loops that have nothing better to do than to run around and fight anything they run into, even each other.  Is there anything to be gained here for a giant snake monster?  I mean, besides a quick snack.  By which I mean eat them.  Hey, it would explain why they would shoot arrows at you at least.