Cyrodil: Where Everybody Knows Your Name

It's hard to blend in when you dress like this.

So I’ve recently been replaying my way through Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion because…  well, you know why.  Anyway, I’ve just got around to finishing the main quest lione and something occurred to me.  Everyone in Cyrodil is eerily up to date on current events. I help the secret emperor that no one knows about defeat a daedra lord. Instantly, everybody in the entire country knows about the long-lost heir, his noble sacrifice that only I was present to see, AND know who I am & what I did?  Is everyone here linked up on the WizardNet?  Does the Black Horse Courier have an RSS feed?  How in the Nine do they know what I look like?!  There are no cameras!

Okay, we can figure this out.  Somehow, everyone in the country – even people in the wilderness and in cities that take days to reach – know instantly what I’ve done and who I am.  Clearly this is the work of some powerful wizard or a Daedra lord.  Yes, of course!  The daedra! Being the evil demons that they are would surely wish to hinder me in my escapades to stop them.  But why would they want to do it after I’ve already defeated the big bad and stopped his plan?  Well, the mages guild must have the ability to instantly communicate with each other at a moments notice.  Which is why I have to play messenger boy constantly. Dang it, no!  That’s not it either.

There has to be something I’m overlooking.  Why would everyone know what is going on at the exact same time? It’s like they were computer programs.  Wait!  That’s it.  Hear me out, because I know this is a bit far-fetched.  Maybe Cyrodil doesn’t exist.  Maybe it’s all an elaborate staging for me and only me to experience and go through as some kind of a twisted test to prove my worth.  That even as I get more powerful, the world rises to match my power and everyone’s equipment and lives are designed around me.  Like some kind of twisted fantasy Truman Show.  Only where Jim Carrey has an axe, and continues to be entertaining past the 90 minute mark!  By what twisted being’s desire is this horrific world made real?  Who is pulling the strings behind all this?  What foul divinity would forge such lengthy adventures of skill and repetitive tasks like jumping over and over because how the hell else are you going to level up your acrobatics other than making yourself look like a complete loon that no one notices?!

I’ve seen through their lies and exposed the truth! Knock Knock, Martin Septim – I know what the Oblivion is. I have seen it for myself.  Another Matrix joke here.  Oh yes, you’re not fooling me!  The world must know! THE WORLD MU%#**$@$&(*DW@$J*S*!



Oblivion is a fun game. You should play it.  Just repeat to yourself that it is just a game and that you really should just relax.

5 thoughts on “Cyrodil: Where Everybody Knows Your Name

  1. I loved Oblivion, I took a look on the demoted computer where I used to play it to find out when my last saved game was. It was November 2006, they’ve gone without help since I started my WoW sub, I should check and see how they’re making out.

  2. Heh, nice post – I’ve featured it over at the MMO Melting Pot today. I’ve been playing Oblivion recently too (in my case because I only got an XBox 6 months ago, and so my girlfriend and I have been catching up on the classics), and I too have been more than a little freaked out by the insta-telepathy from NPCs.

    Seriously, Mr Beggar, should you know about the inner workings of Cyrodil that much? You might be in some, y’know, danger there…

    1. Thanks for the link!

      It’s even worse when the beggar changes voices suddenly from an elderly cracked voice to a strapping young man’s when you ask him about local going on’s. Poor verisimilitude or a glitch in the Matrix?

  3. Pingback: How DOES everyone in the MMO world know of your deeds? — MMO Melting Pot

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