VRYKERION

  • Greed is Good: Stormwind Trade District

    “This iz where I make the big bucks, yo.  Fools be wishin they gotz what it takes to go toe ta toe with me in the auction hizouse.”
    – Stevesbank, a Trade District local

    A long while back, I had made the proclamation that my favorite city to spend time in was Silvermoon.  After all, it had an abundance of atmosphere that most city’s lacked: people doing things, hidden areas that were off the beaten path, and the size that actually made it feel like a city (Complete with multiple banks and inns).  I made passing mention that for the similar reasons, Stormwind was my second favorite.  So I figured since I did Silvermoon the justice of having an extensive tour of all that it had to offer, I’d do something similar for Stormwind.  I decided to start my tour of the bastion of human integrity with the Trade District and what I found there was a disturbing blend of corruption, greed, and dirty deals.  Maybe the Horde and the Alliance have more in common than I thought.

    Attend the Tale of Jelinek Sharpshear

    Goblin Auto-Razor 4000 Test: Failed. Reason? Shave was too close.

    In case you doubt my claim that shady characters reside within the esteemed Trade District of Stormwind, let’s start with a trip around the middle loop to the Stormwind Barbershop, operated by Mr. Jelinek Sharpshear.  While he seems to run a fairly respectable business, it would seem the corrupt nature of the Trade District had gotten to him.  While sneaking up the stairs of the shop, you can find that our goblin friend has some skeletons in his closet – or more accurately his floorboards.

    What sets me off about this is the skeletons are distinctly that of gnomes.  I would have hoped that a goblin operating out of Stormwind, one of the most culturally diverse cities in Azeroth, to have moved past such simple grudges.  In an effort to uncover more about this strange gnome killing goblin, I decided to a bit of digging into his background.  Oddly, there are very little records for Jelinek Sharpshear, who appears to have only had control of the shop recently.  The original owner, a Mr. Sween Neetod had stepped out some time back and left his “relative” in the shop to watch over things.  I’m suddenly reminded of stepping back into the back room of Keelen Sheets’ shop in Silvermoon, and it’s making me curious where the goblin got those sample haircuts sitting in front of the mirrors in the shop.

    You Can’t Not Like It

    The shadiness of the Trade District isn’t limited to just adults though.  Oh no.  Take a walk along the canals to the flower shop and you’ll find Little Adeline the Flower Pusher.  This kid…  Let me tell you about this kid.  If you even try to utter a single word to her she will jump you about how much she likes flowers.  Not surprising – it is a flower shop.  But when she asks if you like flowers?  She will not take ‘No’ for an answer.  It’s not even an option when talking with this girl.  She’ll just sit there and stare at you with her big doughy eyes until you say yes.

    What kind of a brute force tactic to sell flowers is this? The Gump family that owns the shop should be ashamed of resorting to such tactics. The fact that she’s a kid is just the foot in the door, but then she will pester you till you say yes.  Imagine hitting up the stable master to buy a horse over in the Eastvale Logging Camp, and you said “I really like this brown one.” Only to have the stable master look at you and say “You want to buy the black horse?”  But if you even try to say no, he just repeats the question until you are left without a choice but to buy the black horse if for no other reason than to shut the stable master up.

    That’s Adeline.  You have to tell her you like flowers just to get her to leave you alone and when you do?  Well, then she throws flower petals at you.  I don’t know what this is. Some kind of mental trick perhaps?  Drive me to point of insanity with her pushy insisting of having to like flowers just to have them tossed at you like they were nothing.  The same flowers that people are selling two feet away are now being tossed at you by a girl who forces people to like flowers regardless of whether they want to.  Weird does not begin to describe the scenario. No wonder why these people can only afford a shop in the corner of the canals where no one ever goes.

    Feed Me or I Shall Break You

    Give me a copper, because I look FABULOUS!

    Another thing that doesn’t make any sense in the Trade District is the resident homeless man: Topper McNabb.  The shoeless beggar spends his days sitting behind the Auction House and asking for anything for a copper to a hamburger.  The real question, for me at least, is a simple matter of Topper’s health.  He’s been begging in the trade district for what seems like forever, and yet his physique could only be described as “ripped.”  The man has the appearance of a body builder.  On top of that he has long, shiny hair that is perfectly styled.  He looks like he belongs on a steamy romance novel, not stuck in some alley.

    My hunch is that Topper isn’t necessarily as hard up for cash as he would like us to seem.  Perhaps he actually has a nice home over in the Park.  But why would he pan handle in his free time?  Because greed is good. Greed works.  That’s the lesson of the Trade District, and if you doubt me just take a look in the Auction House and see once potential heroes turned profiteers, dressed in fine suits and wearing fancy ‘bling.’   Dollar dollar bill y’all.

    Meet the Master of (Illicit) Cheese

    Probably the darkest secrets of the Trade District are hidden in the least likely of locations:  A small cheese shop owned by the Trias family.  There’s something a bit off about this family though.  As I took to perusing their wide selection of various cheeses I happened to notice a pound of Garadar Sharp sitting on one shelf.  I turned to look at Ben Trias, the studious apprentice of cheese, and ask him how the Trias family was able to procure a pound of cheese that is not only from Outland but made by the Horde as well.  Ben turned to me and with a voice barely above a whisper informed me to not ask and that they weren’t allowed to talk about it.  His eyes gravitated upwards, and when I followed his line of sight I was greeted with a tall dark figure leaning over the upstairs balcony.  Elling Trias – the Master of Cheese.

    He called me upstairs and sat me down at a small table in the shadows.  Elling took a seat across from me, and glared at me with his one good eye, “You think you know cheese, boy?”  A simple nod was all I could produce, “You know NOTHING.”  He pulled a dagger from his belt and before I could even see that he had it, he had planted the knife into the table, mere inches away from my lap.  “Cheese is about passion.  And men must sometimes do horrible, unspeakable and treacherous things for their passion.  Best you remember that the next time you question my life’s work.”

    He pulled the knife from the table and offered it to me, and put down a wheel of Dalaran Sharp, “Now do you want to cut the cheese or shall I?”

  • Who woulda thought it figures?

    So Anea (of Oh Look, An Alt!) came up with this delightful idea of putting screenshots and music lyrics together for various effects.  Soon as I saw it, I knew the shot to whip out of my dusty and never ending pile of screenshots:

    It’s a nerf two patches too late. It’s ten thousand hunters when all you need is a shaman.  It’s meeting the tank of your dreams in a random and then meeting his magnificent guild… on another server.

    Stormwind Tour begins tomorrow! See you then! 😀

  • Warcraft on Consoles?

    “I chose to create a city. A city where the designer would not fear going over budget. Where the  tinkerer would not be bound by petty time frames. Where the small would not be constrained by the great big. I chose the impossible…  I chose Gnomeregan.”

    – Andrew Fryspin, First High Tinkerer of Gnomeregan

  • Dear Blizz: Attunements

    Dear Blizzard Entertainment,

    I recently saw that you plan to include attunements in the upcoming Cataclysm expansion.  What an amazing decision!  I know nothing is quite set in stone yet for Cataclysm, after all you’ve just started with all the testing and such, and I know you haven’t even said how you will use attunements or how hard/easy it will be to do.  Even so, allow me to offer to you, a hugely successful corporation whom I’m sure reads my blog, some advice:

    Do not dare #%$# this up! You think we’ve forgotten Burning Crusade? Do you think we chuckled a bit at that insane Black Temple attunement April’s Fool joke because we knew it was silly?! WE KNEW IT WAS POSSIBLE! After all just to get into Mount Hyjal (To play through a flashback of the most tedious annoying climax in an RTS I’ve ever played through), you would have to drag yourself and twenty-four other schmucks through not one… Not Two… But THREE entire RAID attunements.

    Yes, that’s the SSC attunement, the TK attunement, and the Karazhan attunement.  Each one entailing one or more death defying feats that, depending on your group, WERE HARDER THAN PARTS OF THE RAID.  My entire guild fell apart trying to get enough people to raid, and to ensure they were attuned, just to see tier 5 before I personally had even finished KARAZHAN.  If you’re thinking with a single brain cell that you are gonna to try and pull that $%#& off again just because people are whining about things being “not epic” enough, just drink until your stupid enough to lose a prototype.

    But I’m sure that it will be fine.  After all, you’re Blizzard!  The one company that has shown that they actually can learn from their past mistakes and refine them.  You did drop those crazy attunements later on because you obviously came to same rational conclusion that I stated just now.

    You did use a very good attunement for the Eye of Eternity.  Granted I’ve never been inside it – but I hear it’s a neat one! I am attuned for it though, and I thought that attunement worked just great.  You needed to clear the majority of Naxxramas to get the key, and when you did get it only one person in the raid needed it.  After all, why does everyone need a key to the door.  I don’t even have a key to my neighbors door, and that doesn’t stop me from raiding his fridge.

    I also see that you want to bring back attunements for heroics.  Well that’s just dandy.  I’m sure it will work out fine.  But since you – Blizzard Entertainment, creator of some of the best selling video game series and the world’s top MMO – enjoy reading my blog, I’m sure you wouldn’t be surprised to find that I have a few tiny little thoughts to share:

    I swear to the dark powers that I sacrifice the blood of the innocent to at night, if you require this $#%&ing @!%* to need a certain rep again and then not give us a way to gain rep outside of inane and constant dungeon runs over and over I will call upon the blood rain and screaming torments of the children I have sent to bowels of place that makes hell seem like a day spa in Honolulu.

    Do you know how many reputations I got to exalted in Burning Crusade? Five. Do you know what they were? Skyguard, SSO, Scryers, Netherwing and Ogrila. #@*&ing Ogrila. I still got the taste of Ogre #@$ in my mouth from all the #@$ kissing I had to do for those damn ogres.  But what do all of those reps have in common?  Let’s fire those two neurons together and crunch those numbers. Oh wait! I didn’t run any dungeons for them.

    Don’t give me that Dungeon Finder nonsense, you’re talking about pulling a random group of people who’ve never met each other into a dungeon and them telling them they have to cooperate and play smart CC and l2assist like in the Burning Crusade days.  They only time I’ve seen a group do anything past pull them all to a spot and AOE them down was on bosses.  So if my rep grinds are dependent on those people?  May the darkness of Lystrog the Fiend Caller descend upon you slowly and without mercy!

    Anyway, I know that you guys are busy working on making Cataclysm the best thing to date. I’ve even sworn of looking at teasers because I want that launch to be filled with the awe and wonder that I’ve come to love and respect from a Blizzard Entertainment, a company that is so amazing they made millions in a just a few hours by selling that awesome horse (By the way, Geeeeenius! And I love my horsie too.) that I’m sure is reading this very post and thinking deeply about what I a blogger writing under a pseudonym on the internet thinks of what they are working on.  You keep up the amazing work, you rascals.

    Your Biggest Fan Ever,

    VRYKERION

    P.S. I swear if you mess this up I will come for you and end you like the dark one shall end all days into an eternal night of suffering! And I totally know where you guys are too, so don’t think I’m joking.  It’s like in Washington… right?  Am I close?  On second thought, please use the contact form to send me your address so I may come and end you like the yadda yadda, you know the drill. Thanks!

  • Bee-ware or Bee Prepared!

    Those eyes… The eyes of the Diablo!

    Location: Warsong Hold, Borean Tundra – Vengeance Landing, Howling Fjord – Grol’dom Farm, the Barrens

    This oddity comes in via email from Umjin who simply asks “What’s the deal with the bees?” Included were several pictures of what you see here, drawings of bees on the sandbags of the Horde airships that transport people to and from Northrend.  I must admit, this one did stump me at first until I remembered a trip I had made a while back through the Barrens.  That trip is where I learned the darkest secret of the Horde and I hesitated quite a bit about even posting about it in fear of what the Alliance might do with this knowledge. But Umjin wants to know, and I’m sure you all do too. So here it is.

    The Horde is afraid of Bees.

    Even Batman fears the power of Bees!

    It’s true.  While making my way towards the Crossroads I found Trok, a young orc who was running day and night from this malicious insects.  I tried to talk to the little orc but he wouldn’t stay still for a single second.  He would just keep running from the bees who endlessly chased him around the plains.  I was admittedly concerned for Trok, especially after he continued to call for help from his sister Karu, who didn’t even lift a finger to aid him.  I would soon learn that this girl was not a coward but as sagely as the shaman Kranal Fiss (who I can only assume is their father.)  You see, I tried to help Trok with his bee problem.

    I tried every attack and every spell I could muster attempting to stop the assault of the tiny winged fiends but it was no good.  They were too small, too quick and too agile to be stopped by brute force.  That is their greatest strength.  An orc specializes in smashing and slashing, a tauren could stomp you into submission, and a troll could throw a thousand knives at you in the blink of an eye – but what are these strengths against the masterful dodge and sting attacks of the bee?  This is why the wise Karu doesn’t aid her brother.  She knows that to fight the bee is to lose to the bee.  She understands the bees’ strengths, and she knows that a lowly orc has no chance to take down this cunning beast.

    Everyone in the Horde knows and fears the strength of the bee.  There is no armor infiltration proof enough to stop them, there is no weapon quick or accurate enough to kill them and there is no spell that they are not able to avoid.  Truly the bee is a force to be reckoned with.  The Alliance only wishes they could possess the power of the bee, I know the goblins do.  Why else would they design many of their zeppelins to look like bees if they weren’t attempting to harness this power?  To decorate your vessel with the bee is to will your vessel to fly with the power of the bee!  After all, there’s no way a bee can actually fly, yet it does.  Wouldn’t you wish to infuse your flying ship with the power to defy physics itself?  I know I would.

    The Goblin War Bee

    So perhaps that is why they paint them on the sandbags, as a way to show that the horde and their zeppelins will defy logic and the world to do what they do.  A truly powerful sentiment that shall ever endure as a testament to the strength of the Horde’s aerial prowess.

    That or it is the absolutely dumbest form of camouflage I have ever seen. No no no, we’re not a horde war zeppelin. Nope. Just a bunch of bees. Bzz bzz bzz. /sigh

  • Where in Azeroth is Outland Sandiego?

    Azeroth from Black Temple (photo credit: WoWwiki)
    When Azeroth hits your eye like a big pizza pie… that's an inconsistency in the continuity of the canon.

    Location: The Black Temple, Shadowmoon Valley

    Have you ever wondered about the astronomy of the Warcraft universe?  We know a lot more now than we did back when Vanilla WoW first came out.  From Ulduar, we have seen a full rotating globe of Azeroth, and we know exactly where Kalimdor and the Eastern Kingdoms lie, and we know that apparently the Blue Child comes and goes when it pleases.  But what about Draenor?  Granted, the red homeworld of the Orcs is accessible via the Dark Portal at any point, but where is it in terms of its relation to Azeroth?  My original guess would have been that it’s no where near Azeroth.  No closer than say Mars is to Earth.

    However, deep within the depths of the Black Temple, you can see Azeroth from Outland. Not just as a twinkling star, but as large as, if not larger, than Outland’s moon.  Which would put Azeroth a little further than the Moon is to Earth.  Moon.  Not Mars.  So apparently Outland is actually pretty close to Azeroth.  Which would give some ground to form all kinds of theories on why the Dark Portal actually works.  What with two close quarters worlds, you could make an argument that it would easier to link them.  Granted, that argument would be founded entirely on nonsense with no actual facts to back up why since the only way the Dark Portal works is “magic” and when dealing with “magic” there’s no reason that proximity should matter at all.

    But that’s not the real issue here.  The issue is that if I can see Azeroth from Outland (Granted, it’s only within Shadowmoon Valley, and even then only inside the Black Temple) why can’t I see Outland from Azeroth?  I mean, I know it’s a floating rock and not an entire planet but since it’s supposedly as big as the Eastern Kingdoms and Kalimdor combined and I can see both of those continents from Outland, you think there would be a weird floating shape in the sky or something.  Maybe the Blue Child was  supposed to be Draenor but then it got blown up and became Outland which is why the Blue Child was removed in Burning Crusade, but then why was Blue Child in Vanilla WoW which is after Draenor, which was the ‘red planet’ not blue, was destroyed?  Where is Outland in the Azerothian sky?!

    It’s not there.  Do you want to know why?  Because Outland does not exist in the physical plane.  Do you know where it is?  Well, where do things go when there’s no good way to fill in a plot hole?  That’s right! The Twisting Nether.  So apparently, not only was Draenor destroyed at the end of Warcraft II, it was blasted into another dimension as well.  So why can you see Azeroth if Outland is in another dimension?  Well, there’s a theory about that.  You know how the Emerald Dream is kind of a parallel version of Azeroth?  Well, some think that the Twisting Nether is that for the Great Dark Beyond (Outer Space).  That doesn’t really sate me, but it’s better than “No clue, dude.”  Besides, you think if that Draenor was so close to Azeroth that it would be mistaken for a moon someone would have said something about it, the second war wasn’t THAT long ago. Khadgar hasn’t kicked the bucket yet for Pete’s sake.

    So, you can’t see Outland because it’s in the Twisting Nether.  It does explain a few things, like netherdrakes, why the big vacuums in Netherstorm can suck magic out of thin air, or how Kael’thas was able to make contact with Kil’Jaeden. But wait!  Then why did Illidan have to close the portals in Outland to lock out the Burning Legion’s reinforcements?  Doesn’t the Burning Legion live in the Twisting Nether?  So that’s kind of like locking a door to a house that’s missing 3 of its 4 walls.  There’s no reason Kil’Jaeden couldn’t have just shown up and kicked Illidan’s butt for failing.  Instead, Kil’jaeden makes a deal with Kael’thas to get summoned to Azeroth to continue the attack from the War of the Ancients…  I think.  I’m not even going into the plot holes that surround the Fury of the Sunwell, that thing deserves it’s own post.

    So ultimately I’m left with a planet whose appearance makes no sense, which trying to explain causes the a size-able chunk of The Frozen Throne make no sense, all because the plot device that is the Twisting Nether makes no sense.  Am I making any sense here at all?!

  • Would You Like Some Lore With That Pony?

    Today we're going to play a game, it's called 'Who is your daddy and what does he do?' (Image via MMOChampion)

    Would it be an over-simplification to say there’s been a lot of talk about this whole sparkly pony situation?  The responses to its release have been pretty widespread from screaming logical hiccups to squealing delightful joy. However, there hasn’t been a lot of talk about where the heck this thing comes from.  Yes, yes, I know. Mei Francis sends it to you.  Mei Francis – who somehow is the only person in Azeroth who knows where to find a steady supply of dragons with rare genetic problems – has somehow come into supply of horses that look like Algalon’s sidekick in the WoW 80’s cartoon.

    I figured since my specialty seems to come from creating lore for things that have none. (Albeit not always great or accurate lore, but lore nonetheless) I figured I’d take my crack at giving some reasons that role-players and curious parties might want for their new super special awesome pony:

    Twisting Nether

    On the Blizzard Store, it mentions that the Celestial Steed comes from the Twisting Nether.  Sure. Why not? After all, the twisting nether is just some weird extra dimensional realm that might as well be labeled “Deus Ex Machina” for whatever you want.  Where does mage food come from? Twisting nether. Where do warlock demons come from? Twisting Nether.  Where do people go when they die? You got it. It’s the WoW version of the old RPG staple of “A Wizard Did It” or “It’s magic.” Not that I can blame Blizzard for using it.  They probably got their hands full with coming up with slightly more important lore. Like the end of the fricking world.

    Honestly, I was never very happy with this explanation.  For one, it seems odd that the same place that is used in the same way as we use “hell” or “heck” and is full of demons could possibly be responsible for bringing forth this pretty pony.  Unless it is also a demon.  Which it isn’t.  Cause then the warlocks would probably complain.  However, the netherdrakes are explained to be dragons that were from or created by exposure to the magical and chaotic energies of the Twisting Nether, so why not pretty starry ponies?  Honestly, while this is the canonical explanation for their existence given by Blizzard, it reeks of unimaginative defaulting to the easiest explanation.

    Ulduar

    My favorite explanation for the celestial steeds. It’s not hard to see why you would immediately think of Ulduar when looking at these things.  They look like every constellation statue you find in the Ulduar dungeons and raids.  In fact a lot of people thought the steed was going to come from Ulduar (possibly as an incentive to finish it? I know my guild just skipped to ToC and ICC after getting one keeper down, and no one wants to go back because the gear is useless now… /sigh), but it turned out you can just buy the pony.  But Ulduar does provide an excellent explanation for where the steed comes from.

    After all, in the timeline of the expansion, Yogg-Saron has had his head shoved back into his hole and Algalon averted from sending out his message to the Titans.  Ulduar is now free and back under control, perhaps it is time to do some exploring!  But didn’t we already see everything that was in Ulduar, Vrykerion?  There was no stable of star ponies in there!  Well, no.  There wasn’t. Not in the areas we explored at least.  Ulduar however is huge.  Brann Bronzebeard first called it a titan city from initial observations.  I can’t imagine we even began to scratch the surface of that place.  The Ulduar raid was a direct assault on the heart of the entire facility, but I can’t possibly imagine that was the whole place!

    Imagine if Bronzebeard went back into Ulduar after Yogg-Saron had been defeated?  While exploring he finds these magnificent beasts flying about in the heart of Ulduar, created by the titans as a means for others to navigate their own massive facilities.  Or were unfinished creations of the titans that began to evolve all on their own.  Ulduar, being a titan facility, has been on Azeroth since the beginning.  That’s well over 10,000 years.  I could imagine some unstable creation mutating and evolving deep within in a secluded city.  They took on coloring like their surroundings, blending in to the massive constellation statues, and began to fly in order to compensate for the massive structure they were living in.  There are lots of possibilities here.

    The Great Dark Beyond

    In case you are unfamiliar with the Great Dark Beyond, it’s essentially the Azerothian term for outer space (as opposed to the Twisting Nether – which is the space between spaces, Dr. Jones.)  Yes, I am suggesting that a possible origin for the Celestial Steed is outer space.  Why not?  Don’t even try and tell me that aliens are too out of the box for WoW.  We have the Draenei.  We have the Naaru.  We have another entire planet in the form of Draenor/Outland.  Why is it so hard to believe that there are other creatures within the darkness of space?

    Much like the Ulduar explanation, you could even tie in the unique titan design aspect of the horse into this.  After all, the Titans are said to dwell deep within the Dark Beyond.  They sent Algalon from wherever they are, who shares a similar appearance.  Could it be that these starry creatures are titan creations on another world?  Servants of the titans created as some kind of equivalent to angels or avatars? Take your pick! There are many strange things left unexplored in the darkness out there, surely there must be some creatures that choose to light the way.

    A Wizard Actually Did Do It

    Some could argue that this is similar to the Twisting Nether origin before.  But instead of being a metaphorical plot device akin to “A Wizard Did It” that Blizzard uses to patch holes, what if a wizard actually did do it?  What I mean is, what if these starry horses are arcane constructs similar to elementals or the massive robots that storm around and guard magical areas?  Finely crafted by the finest wizards that Dalaran has to offer comes a flying horse construct that Mei Francis can sell in that freak sho- I mean exotic pet shop of hers.

    After all, mages are the one’s with direct control over weaving the arcane and Mei Francis has set up shop in their mecca.  Would be it that unlikely for them to join forces to concoct a maginficent new ‘animal’ to showcase? It’s not like they have some moral issue with using magic for something like that, heck they use magic to light the street lights and elementals to wash clothes! This isn’t some mystical sacred art, they’d use magic to scratch their own butts if they could.  I can easily envision a gnome making a fancy horse out of to make a few bucks.

    Ultimately, there’s probably more ways to think about this that I can come up with here.  But it goes to show you that just because a mount doesn’t drop from a raid boss, doesn’t mean you can’t come up with some fun lore or reasoning behind it’s existence.  It also goes to show you that you shouldn’t always just accept Blizzard’s own wacky logic of “a wizard did it” every time they don’t want to flesh out the details.

  • Intolerance in the Heart of Karazhan

    Location: Karazhan, Deadwind Pass

    Faction: Neutral

    Karazhan has always been a place that’s not all there.  The wizard that lived there was ‘half-possessed’ by the leader of the Burning Legion, had an affair with a half-orc/half-draenei with a heart of gold (and a knife in King Llane’s chest), and spent half of his time killing the people that he spent the other half working with.  That’s a lot of halves right there.  So when I walk in to a spooky abandoned tower that belonged to a spooky mage, I’m expecting traps, monsters, and experiments run amok.  What I wasn’t expecting to find was close minded censorship!

    I suppose I should be more clear about what I mean.  You see, in the Library of Karazhan there are dozens of piles of burning books.  They’re everywhere! Including high up ledges that require the ability to fly or fall down to, which shows a special dedication to burning these books.  Medivh’s library was home to some wild stuff, I have no doubt, but why would the current inhabitants (mostly arcane elementals and constructs) want to burn these books?  Well, I have composed a list of possible reasons:

    1. They are cold. Granted, I’m not an expert on Elemental biology.  My understanding is that they are animate versions of a specific element.  Water elementals are just living water.  So I don’t think they have much in the way of a nervous system – although they do have health.  I’m unsure if they can even feel the cold.  I know the constructs can’t.  Robots don’t feel the cold.  They only feel hate! Hate for humans!  But no, I think we can safely assume they are not cold.

    2. Books are dumb. Even as a writer, I will concede that this argument has merit.  After all, if I throw a book into the burning lava of the Obsidian Sanctum will it get out of there? No.  Books stand in the fire.  Books are indeed dumb.  However, I can think of how that would cause the monsters of Karazhan to set the library ablaze.

    3. They had to cook the marshmallows somehow. Okay, I was unsure if elementals had a nervous system – what with the health and all – but I am pretty sure they do not have a digestive system.  There are no “elemental droppings” to be found.  So even if they had procured some marshmallows (possibly from the opera house downstairs) I don’t think there’s anyway to actually eat them.  And robots only eat the flesh of the human oppressors!

    4. It was self defense. What? Are you kidding me? Get the hell out of here.

    5. The books teach kids witchcraft! The tower belongs to one of the most powerful wizards in history. I would expect the books to teach you witchcraft. What did you expect to be in the library?  Romance novels?  He kept those in his bedroom!

    However if these books are being burned because of their “witchcraft” contents, I have to wonder who exactly has this concern?  The Arcane Elementals?  The ones made of magic?  It doesn’t seem to be in their best interest to denounce magic.  Neither does it seem likely that the Violet Eye would want to destroy what could be very valuable documents.  After all, they sent Khadgar there to steal these very secrets from the library.  No one else has much of a leg to stand on in this matter either.  After all, how are you gonna complain about the books teaching kids to be evil when the upstairs tenet is a demon lord of the Burning Legion?  Seems kinda like wonky priorities.  Then again, book burnings aren’t exactly the most thought out events: “We don’t like this book.” “So you bought it?”  “We bought hundreds!” “Cause you don’t like it?”  “Yea! We’re gonna burn them!” “So you’re gonna burn the hundreds of books that you just paid money for because you don’t like it?” “Don’t oppress me!”

    So who has anything to gain from burning these books?  The only ones left are the robots…   wait.  That’s it!  It’s the robots!  Of course! Robots greatest weakness is magic because it’s a phenomenon their logical brains can’t describe. (Like why anyone would go see a Michael Bay movie!) This explains so much.  Like why the Curator will attack you on sight for just approaching the library but won’t do a thing to stop the fires.  This is it! Judgment Day! Game over, man! GAME OVER!

    Ahem.  Sorry about that.

  • Bunny Biology: Noblegarden vs. Science

    Location: Anywhere Noblegarden is celebrated

    Faction: Neutral

    Now I’m an open minded guy.  I don’t take issue with the marriage between a human and a gnome.  I voted for reforming the forsaken health care system to exclude “already dead” as a preexisting condition to refuse coverage.  I even protested the unlawful removal of tauren for the excavation of Bael Modan. (I protested with dynamite!) But there are just some things I don’t want to see in a public place.  Namely, a bunch of rabbits bumping uglies all over the table at the local tavern. It’s not sanitary!

    In case you don’t know what I’m talking about – because honestly once you get credit for the Spring Fling achievement why bother actually looking at what it entails – when you get a pair of Spring Rabbits to meet up they get little hearts over their heads and then immediately start going at it.  By going at it I mean they start hopping around as a pair and shooting little eggs out that transform into baby bunnies.

    I don’t know what’s worse, that this can happen almost anywhere including the table I was planning to eat at or that this is a completely inaccurate view of how rabbits breed.  Don’t get me wrong, in Azeroth a lot of strange things can happen.  But I don’t care if it’s Dun Morogh, Kalimdor, or even Outland – Rabbits do NOT lay eggs.  This is not even up for discussion.

    But even the gross misconception of how basic biology works doesn’t bother me as much as the revelation this whole act brings to light.  The bunnies lay eggs (not really ‘lay’ – they fire off eggs out of their coupling like spilling water on a mogwai) which burst into flowers and a baby bunny emerges.  The odd thing is that the eggs look exactly like the colorful eggs that people spend all of Noblegarden running around and collecting, breaking open and devouring the chocolate inside.  What this seems to imply is the “yolk” of the bunny egg is made of chocolate and what we are actually eating and using for currency during Noblegarden is actually rabbit embryos.

    I have no doubt that you have a horrified or disgusted look on your face right now. That’s the exact same look that was on my face when I pieced this together myself.  The fact that DEHTA isn’t all over Noblegarden is absolutely shocking.  There’s an achievement to eat 100 chocolates – That’s 100 dead bunnies, people!  I know, I know.  We do it for chickens… and rocs… and dragonhawks…  but these are BUNNIES!  Cute and cuddly bunnies!  Do you wanna kill bunnies?  Okay, well yes, I did kill a lot of bunnies when I first starting leveling my skinning for the easy leather.  But these are BABY bunnies.  Do you wanna…  oh forget it.

    Noblegarden is just an all around messed up holiday in Azeroth.  You’re eating bunny embryos from a method of rabbit breeding that is completely ridiculous and inaccurate.  Men and women across the land are encouraged to cross-dress.  You have to run through an area that is a giant dinosaur death trap to drop an egg (a baby bunny) in boiling water.  All for the sake of being called ‘The Noble’.   What kind of messed up version of nobility is this?

    And do not get me started on why some of the baby bunny eggs have tuxes and dresses in them.  I don’t even want to think about it.

  • The “Glory” of the Horde

    Warning: Parts of this posts include potential spoilers to Cataclysm and the WoW Comics. You have been warned.

    Shortly after I finished my post about why the Alliance should have pride in being part of the Alliance, I received this in my inbox:

    Dear Pathetic Alliance Lover,

    I’ll give you some credit. You got a lot of guts to write that.  Defending a bunch of smelly dwarves, ankle biting gnomes, space goats and spineless humans.  But the reason your failure of an Alliance lacks the pride is that they have been utterly decimated by the power that is the Horde! But the worst part is that you defended that loud mouth moron of a king.  I doubt you would even extend that kind of courtesy to the Horde.  Say, defending the son of the greatest warrior the Horde has ever known?  Could you do that?  Could you prove to the Horde that I…  I mean, that Garrosh is just as fit to be warchief as that human lover Thrall?

    Signed, Totally Not Garrosh.

    P.S. Basic Campfire sux.

    Needless to say I was a bit surprised, this mysterious stranger is asking me to make a case that Garrosh would make a good warchief?  Well, I enjoy a challenge – and while I know a lot of people don’t share my opinion of Varian, I know for a fact that no one agrees with me when I say: I would support Garrosh as the war chief of the Horde.

    I know how that sounds, but believe when I say it boils down to a matter of perspective.  I can’t think about this from the same point of view as having pride in the Alliance or saying that I understand where Wrynn is coming from on these issues.  I am looking at this matter strictly as a member of the Horde.  I’ve played lots of hordies over the years, heck my first loremaster was a blood elf warlock.  So what I’m about to say, understand I am saying this as someone who is vastly aware of the issues the Horde is facing.

    A lot of people have likened Garrosh’s thinking to that of the Old Horde.  By that I mean the days back before Orgrim Doomhammer took up the mantle of Warchief.  When the Shadow Council was secretly running everything and the Horde fought amongst each other as much as they did the Alliance.  I feel this is a misunderstanding of Garrosh’s political views.  Garrosh is someone who believes foremost in seeing the Horde become the dominant force in the world. Many players would take issue with this at first glance, but I question their outburst at Garrosh’s views.  After all, isn’t that what the Horde was doing far before Garrosh entered the scene?  They attempted to seize control over Ashenvale from the Night Elves, they attempted to drive the dwarves from the mountains of Alterac, and they would generally terrorize and kill any Alliance force that showed up near their doorstep.

    (more…)