How Not To Hold Prisoners

Just use your hat to pick the lock or something!

Location: Warden’s Cage, Shadowmoon Valley

Faction: Neutral

Illidan Stormrage.  Do I have to say anything else?  He’s become a punchline unto himself. The Betrayer went from a sympathetic anti-hero, to a villain, to the Warcraft equivalent of an old man sitting on his porch and yelling for those darn kids to get off his Outland.  Granted some people still like him for… various reasons. But really he’s just a fruit loop at this point.  He steals water,  sucks magic out the air with giant mana vacuums, attacks Shattrath for no reason and imprisons his arch-enemy a stone’s throw from his front door guarded by the least trustworthy of his lieutenants.  These are the desperate attempts for attention you’d expect from an episode of Captain Planet or a Silver-Age Superman comic.

I mean, ultimately the only one of his Lieutenants that actually doesn’t back stab him is Vashj.  Probably because Illi-beans and the Naga have so much history between them.  However, I wouldn’t have put Akama in charge of anything as important as guarding Warden’s Cage.  Why?  Because I have common sense. Akama has the least reason to be trusted.  The only reason he even joined Illidan’s forces was because the Broken wanted Magtheridon to leave them the hell alone.  Once that was done, they had no reason to care about what Illidan wanted. Yet The Sets-Himself-Up-To-Be-Easily-Betrayed goes ahead and gives them the keys to the one person who has betrayed her own people just to ensure that Illidan goes back into his hole: Maiev Shadowsong.

Can someone please send Illidan a copy of the Evil Overlord List at this point?  This is almost up there with leaving the key an inch out of arms reach from the cell and assuming that will be sufficient.  The only thing that makes this worse is that Maiev is in her prison cell in full battle attire.  Granted, she doesn’t have her weapon at the moment, but he armor provides enough pointy bits that you could easily shank your way out of that prison with them.  I can’t even think of a reason to let her keep it.  At all.  There is no justification in the world that would lead me to think that letting a prisoner keep gloves with claw fingers and bladed shoulder pads would be okay.  It makes me want to kill Illidan just out of spite for his stupidity!

But wait – Illidan isn’t alone in the stupidity.  Maiev doesn’t think of any of these things either.  She simply goes along with Akama’s sit and wait plan.  What the heck are you waiting for?  A key? The entrance is a hole in the wall.  A weakened opposition? Well, all the trash and bosses seemed ready for intruders. The attunement is apparently just a medallion that doesn’t really seem to do anything and a distraction so they can run into the giant gaping hole in the wall.   At no point does she seem to register that she’s wearing weapons.  This however remains consistent with what we know.  If Illidan is a crazy moron, than what does it take to be captured by him?

I know I already did a post on a lot of the shortcomings that Illidan has as a villain.  But at no point does it seem that he’s even competent enough to be a minor villain.  His plans are childish, his army is dumber than bricks, and his nemesis is kept nearly fully armed and within walking distance of his home.  This is so bad, it is almost satirical in nature.  All we need is him yelling about wanting Netherdrakes with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

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